she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
