Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
