I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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