Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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