I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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