At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
