Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
