I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
