we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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