Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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