He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
