Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
