Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
