I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
