Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
