is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My vagina is officially offended.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
