he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
