I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
