eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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