Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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