Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
