When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
