I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
