did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
