I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
