i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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