just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
