She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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