I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
God I need to hump something, right now.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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