She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
