You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
