if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
