Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
