Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
