Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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