in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
