Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Someone signed my nipple.
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