I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
