Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
