pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
