is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
