I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
