Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
