I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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