If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
