I met the friendliest cop last night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
