I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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