What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
