you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
