you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
